As stated via mobile, I have caught up with Airen again just after the Christmas holiday. I hear that the holiday weekend went, for the most part, okay and that Airen slept through Christmas due to lack of adequate rest the previous week (an inside source tells me that earlier start times at work are the main reason).
As of recent, I've been getting word that she's sick of life and sick of the way things are, and she just wants to be to herself for a while. She's also concerned about her personal state and doesn't want to make anything worse for herself and others--this is also the reason she can't be bothered with trying to meet anyone new right now. It appears she's exhausted and frustrated.
According to my sources, this has been an issue for quite some time but wasn't officially documented until December 19, in Airen's journal. The information is confidential and could not be released. However, my sources tell me that Airen's problem has been discussed with others and she hopes to take action soon.
It seems her problem began when she thought back to various past incidents, many of which cannot be easily explained at this time. She also thought about a man whom she has convinced herself to be in love with--in fact, the above journal entry date was his birthday, thus inspiring the sad entry--and her unrequited feelings for him. She seems to have become convinced, through all these elements, that she's on the brink of insanity and therefore should not be around anyone. An incident over this past weekend has convinced her even more that she needs serious help.
This concerns me very much; my heart goes out to my dear friend. I will continue to follow her and I will keep you all posted.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Update--11.22.2010
I have been able to track Airen again after several days. It seems that she's been contemplating a lot of things lately--among these things, her lovelife and her religious beliefs.
It seems that she has been in a deep depression lately, wondering where her life is headed and whether she will ever find a suitable partner. She is willing to reexamine her views about men if it helps in her situation. I appears she is mainly seeking balance.
A source tells me the subject of religion came up during a conversation in which religious views were mentioned. I am told that Airen's religious views have changed over the years, and the conversation made her wonder about how she could open up about her beliefs.
The subject of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday has also come up. I hear that Airen is thinking over things to be thankful for. I will have an update on this soon.
It seems that she has been in a deep depression lately, wondering where her life is headed and whether she will ever find a suitable partner. She is willing to reexamine her views about men if it helps in her situation. I appears she is mainly seeking balance.
A source tells me the subject of religion came up during a conversation in which religious views were mentioned. I am told that Airen's religious views have changed over the years, and the conversation made her wonder about how she could open up about her beliefs.
The subject of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday has also come up. I hear that Airen is thinking over things to be thankful for. I will have an update on this soon.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Update--11.2.2010
An inside source tells me that Airen has rethought her previous stance on the opposite sex, realizing that some of her views were extreme and born from cynicism.
It seems that she has been having second thoughts for a while now but had not really thought about it until today. She has repeatedly thought about her views over the years and has decided she cannot think this way anymore. However, she feels that she might need some help. She wants to love and be loved but she knows it's not easy.
Today I hear that Airen is a little under the weather and doesn't want to go too much further today, but she will take this into consideration over time.
It seems that she has been having second thoughts for a while now but had not really thought about it until today. She has repeatedly thought about her views over the years and has decided she cannot think this way anymore. However, she feels that she might need some help. She wants to love and be loved but she knows it's not easy.
Today I hear that Airen is a little under the weather and doesn't want to go too much further today, but she will take this into consideration over time.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Update--10.15.2010
The 2010 Festival of Faiths is coming up in November, and I'm told that Airen plans on going. Sources tell me that she has long been interested in attending the annual festival, in hopes of learning a little something about spirituality. I believe this year's festival focuses on faith and the environment.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Update--10.11.2010
I have lately picked up some interesting information about Airen.
Since June 2009, Airen has been involved part-time in divination, giving "missionary" Angel Therapy readings over the internet. She had been turned on to it after she had been given a reading with Angel cards a few years earlier. I hear she has been taking reading requests on DreamMoods.com for quite some time.
Lately, however, it seems that Airen has not been able to perform readings as readily as before, due to a lack of energy. This low energy has also caused her to stop exercising and hit a year-long plateau after a 50-pound weight loss. What I hear is that other situations--mainly money problems--have also distracted her. She had made many attempts to give readings again, only to slip into longer hiatuses in between.
I find that she has made an attempt to take more requests from DreamMoods, producing a message thread asking for general requests only in an attempt to reserve energy, but a recent incident on the site had caused her to lose her thread.
A source tells me that Airen had visited a psychic back in May, who had suggested that she begin accepting payment for readings. The psychic explained that it was for energy exchange, compensating for energy expended during a reading. She said that it could help Airen with her slump.
I hear that up until that point, Airen had taken no payment for her work, having been taught that payment for such a craft is wrong. But when the psychic explained energy to her, it made more sense to her, and the idea of taking money (or food, or favors, etc.) for readings didn't sound so bad. I know that Airen had never truly believed that it was wrong for psychics to take payment, and it must have made her feel better to know that psychics are not paid for the craft itself.
I'm told she has been considering ways of taking payment and establishing what type of compensation and how much. She has been thinking of setting up a website for paid readings, and has been trying to figure out how--and who--to read in person (this is because many people are skeptics). Airen has promised that the readings on DreamMoods would always be free of charge, and that if the clients wished, they could give her a story, a word of wisdom, or a joke as optional payment. Airen has also considered taking metaphysical classes and finding ways to expand her spiritual craft.
In addition, I hear that Airen has taken extra steps to clear and guard herself during readings, which include blessing the reading space she uses (which is often the kitchen counter), hoping to reserve energy and give more efficient readings. It seems she is not giving up and is looking forward to working with the angels again, with no interruptions.
Since June 2009, Airen has been involved part-time in divination, giving "missionary" Angel Therapy readings over the internet. She had been turned on to it after she had been given a reading with Angel cards a few years earlier. I hear she has been taking reading requests on DreamMoods.com for quite some time.
Lately, however, it seems that Airen has not been able to perform readings as readily as before, due to a lack of energy. This low energy has also caused her to stop exercising and hit a year-long plateau after a 50-pound weight loss. What I hear is that other situations--mainly money problems--have also distracted her. She had made many attempts to give readings again, only to slip into longer hiatuses in between.
I find that she has made an attempt to take more requests from DreamMoods, producing a message thread asking for general requests only in an attempt to reserve energy, but a recent incident on the site had caused her to lose her thread.
A source tells me that Airen had visited a psychic back in May, who had suggested that she begin accepting payment for readings. The psychic explained that it was for energy exchange, compensating for energy expended during a reading. She said that it could help Airen with her slump.
I hear that up until that point, Airen had taken no payment for her work, having been taught that payment for such a craft is wrong. But when the psychic explained energy to her, it made more sense to her, and the idea of taking money (or food, or favors, etc.) for readings didn't sound so bad. I know that Airen had never truly believed that it was wrong for psychics to take payment, and it must have made her feel better to know that psychics are not paid for the craft itself.
I'm told she has been considering ways of taking payment and establishing what type of compensation and how much. She has been thinking of setting up a website for paid readings, and has been trying to figure out how--and who--to read in person (this is because many people are skeptics). Airen has promised that the readings on DreamMoods would always be free of charge, and that if the clients wished, they could give her a story, a word of wisdom, or a joke as optional payment. Airen has also considered taking metaphysical classes and finding ways to expand her spiritual craft.
In addition, I hear that Airen has taken extra steps to clear and guard herself during readings, which include blessing the reading space she uses (which is often the kitchen counter), hoping to reserve energy and give more efficient readings. It seems she is not giving up and is looking forward to working with the angels again, with no interruptions.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
New Evidence: Old Diary Entry Discovered
This evidence was released today. It appears to be an entry from Airen's "Diary #3", dated July 2000. The following is a portion of that entry:
Thursday, July 27, 2000
"Dear Diary #3:
"I’m depressed. I need to talk to someone, but I know [that] no one else would want to listen. So I came to you.
"I just finished watching 'Popular.' While it would have been quite amusing to anyone else, it was rather painful [sic] for me, because it immediately reminded me of my own unpopularity and the 12 years of ridicule I went through simply because I was there. I watched all the light-skinned and/or long-haired and/or skinny and/or slutty chicks around me get all the attention and all the luck, while all I got was laughed at, talked about, and condescended to....
"Why does society hate me so much? All I want is to fit in, but I’m not sure that I can even try anymore. Mom says I should just be myself; and I’ve tried that, but all it got me was 12 years of ridicule and insults. And so I’m left with no choice but to act like everyone else.
"Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe if I was skinny...or a cheerleader...or...drop-dead gorgeous...I would be noticed...I don’t think any man wants me now....
"I’m thinking, maybe [sic] if I wasn’t Airen...things would be better for me, and people would like me.
"Erik...said my life was pathetic. Maybe he’s right; perhaps my life is pathetic, and I’m just sitting here, sucking up air that could have been breathed by someone more worthy...."
Airen had originally posted this on LiveJournal in 2006, keeping all names anonymous. She had also discussed this offline with a few other people.
I feel that this is an effective lead in my search for Airen because I can delve into her past and get a sense of how she was then and how much she's really changed. I hear that she's nowhere near the way she was a decade ago, or even four years ago when she rediscovered this diary entry. It appears that she's matured since then, but still has much to work with.
Thursday, July 27, 2000
"Dear Diary #3:
"I’m depressed. I need to talk to someone, but I know [that] no one else would want to listen. So I came to you.
"I just finished watching 'Popular.' While it would have been quite amusing to anyone else, it was rather painful [sic] for me, because it immediately reminded me of my own unpopularity and the 12 years of ridicule I went through simply because I was there. I watched all the light-skinned and/or long-haired and/or skinny and/or slutty chicks around me get all the attention and all the luck, while all I got was laughed at, talked about, and condescended to....
"Why does society hate me so much? All I want is to fit in, but I’m not sure that I can even try anymore. Mom says I should just be myself; and I’ve tried that, but all it got me was 12 years of ridicule and insults. And so I’m left with no choice but to act like everyone else.
"Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe if I was skinny...or a cheerleader...or...drop-dead gorgeous...I would be noticed...I don’t think any man wants me now....
"I’m thinking, maybe [sic] if I wasn’t Airen...things would be better for me, and people would like me.
"Erik...said my life was pathetic. Maybe he’s right; perhaps my life is pathetic, and I’m just sitting here, sucking up air that could have been breathed by someone more worthy...."
Airen had originally posted this on LiveJournal in 2006, keeping all names anonymous. She had also discussed this offline with a few other people.
I feel that this is an effective lead in my search for Airen because I can delve into her past and get a sense of how she was then and how much she's really changed. I hear that she's nowhere near the way she was a decade ago, or even four years ago when she rediscovered this diary entry. It appears that she's matured since then, but still has much to work with.
Update--10.7.2010
Airen was seen at home today watching "Dr. Phil"--specifically an episode about cyberbullying.
I know that this is on issue that is very important to Airen. She was never cyberbullied in school--such a thing was nonexistent in the '90s, when the internet was still fairly new--but she was a target of in-person bullying and therefore can relate to the girls who appeared on the show, even though their experiences were different from hers. She seemed pleased that Dr. Phil was willing to do something about the issue, and thankful that cyberbullying wasn't around when she was a kid. She was an outcast in high school, and believes that if cyberbullying had existed then, she would have undoubtedly been a target.
Airen has acknowledged that she may have brought some of the negative attention on herself by the strange ways she acted, but believes that her peers could have used better judgment themselves. She is grateful that being teased in school didn't push her to the point of suicide, although it did contribute to her anxiety and depression.
Unfortunately, because of this (and other things), Airen has been known to be distrusting, jaded, and bitter, and for a time decided that because of past bad luck with boys (who often gave her a hard time as well), she would close herself off to men altogether to avoid being hurt; this seemed to work for a time, as Airen became more focused on work, school and other matters. But over time, it was revealed to be no more than a "Band-Aid" over a deep emotional wound that seriously needed to heal. According to an inside source, the wound is still there, open and bleeding but not as much--it began to heal after Airen stopped ignoring it.
I'm told that Airen has been considering getting involved in the issue of bullying and cyberbullying. It is said she has often pictured herself giving seminars to young girls about confidence and self-esteem--two things she has worked to build over the years. She is particularly interested in projects that help girls (and boys) build confidence and knows that getting involved would help her, too.
I know that this is on issue that is very important to Airen. She was never cyberbullied in school--such a thing was nonexistent in the '90s, when the internet was still fairly new--but she was a target of in-person bullying and therefore can relate to the girls who appeared on the show, even though their experiences were different from hers. She seemed pleased that Dr. Phil was willing to do something about the issue, and thankful that cyberbullying wasn't around when she was a kid. She was an outcast in high school, and believes that if cyberbullying had existed then, she would have undoubtedly been a target.
Airen has acknowledged that she may have brought some of the negative attention on herself by the strange ways she acted, but believes that her peers could have used better judgment themselves. She is grateful that being teased in school didn't push her to the point of suicide, although it did contribute to her anxiety and depression.
Unfortunately, because of this (and other things), Airen has been known to be distrusting, jaded, and bitter, and for a time decided that because of past bad luck with boys (who often gave her a hard time as well), she would close herself off to men altogether to avoid being hurt; this seemed to work for a time, as Airen became more focused on work, school and other matters. But over time, it was revealed to be no more than a "Band-Aid" over a deep emotional wound that seriously needed to heal. According to an inside source, the wound is still there, open and bleeding but not as much--it began to heal after Airen stopped ignoring it.
I'm told that Airen has been considering getting involved in the issue of bullying and cyberbullying. It is said she has often pictured herself giving seminars to young girls about confidence and self-esteem--two things she has worked to build over the years. She is particularly interested in projects that help girls (and boys) build confidence and knows that getting involved would help her, too.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Update--10.6.2010
Lately I hear that Airen has been angry about the subject of men and marriage, among other things. It seems that she's been spending a good deal of time debating with family members about said subjects.
According to the latest source, Airen seemed to be frustrated about men her own age and their willingness--or unwillingness--to commit. She seemed to be angry about the idea that many 20-something men prefer sex before a relationship. Airen had reportedly stated that she want someone who was willing to know her "up here" (her mind) and "in here" (her heart and soul) before knowing her "down there" (between her legs); some laughed in response. It had been suggested to Airen that for a committed relationship, she should seek older men. One thing I know about Airen is that she's definitely not looking for a mid-life suitor; she likes young men and is "not interested in a second father."
It seems that what made her angry about marriage is the biblical recommendation that she submit to whichever man she weds. According to the views of many, even in 2010, the age-old vows "love, honor, and obey" still apply in the bride's case, and even when they are not spoken, she still must comply to this. Airen, who supports the idea that women can be equal to men, disagreed with this rule, angry with the wife's inability to voice her opinion or make decisions. Airen likely interpreted this rule as implying that upon marriage, a woman must forfeit her personal authority, her independence, and her personal spiritual convictions in order to please her husband and God, while having no say-so of her own. Airen seemed to resent this rule, which she saw as saying that a man basically had the right to treat his wife as a child.
This latest information may make Airen seem like a blasphemer to some. But keep in mind that Airen has alternative religious and spiritual beliefs. From what I know, she believes in God and Christ but not in the traditional sense; she believes that the Bible was inspired by God but written by man, and during a time when women were viewed as inferior and treated as property. That being said, she wouldn't take elements like this one literally, especially where women are concerned.
Today, Airen could be seen in her apartment, contemplating whether or not she wanted to ever marry, because even though she disagreed with the idea of a submissive wife, she knew that many of her male peers still do, and she apparently feels there's no point in marrying anyone if a power struggle will ensue. She lives in an area of America that is predominately conservative, and in a city where most men are married and more likely to agree with such an idea. It appears she plans to just give up on men, despite not ever having a relationship.
I hear that Airen's biggest fears about relationships include not only the loss of identity, authority, and independence (through marriage), but also the loss of livelihood (e.g., due to a boyfriend's mistakes and/or her own mistakes made on a boyfriend's behalf), the unfulfillment of dreams (e.g., due to having been left alone to raise a child, whose paternity has been denied), falling victim to violence (e.g., being attacked by someone's jealous wife or girlfriend), and a possible lifetime of bitterness from having her heart broken so many times by so many men--each of which she has heard has happened to another woman, at least once.
In my search for Airen, I only hope that she can let go of these fears and come out of her glass cage. The world of dating can't all be ruthless. The "good guys" can't all be taken; the younger men can't all be looking for just one thing; and catfights can't possibly be so common--or so deadly--as she might think. I hope that sometime soon, she can open her heart, share the love she has and embrace the love she gets.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Update--10.5.2010
According to information given today, Airen was spotted at the JCTC library, where she had spent a few hours on the internet. It appears she was on DreamMoods resubmitting a recent dream she'd had, whose elements included what she believed to be a "message from angels." She was particularly thoughtful about emancipation and freeing herself from "crap that's been weighing her down." It is said that she had been contemplating her life for quite some time and had been unsure about her life's purpose.
It is believed that in addition to this deep contemplation, she was also floating around Facebook and checking her bank account. She may have been headed home afterwards to take a rest before getting ready for work.
It is believed that in addition to this deep contemplation, she was also floating around Facebook and checking her bank account. She may have been headed home afterwards to take a rest before getting ready for work.
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